Articles, Blog

BAD SPORTS Episode 4: Movie Night with Chad Whipple

BAD SPORTS Episode 4: Movie Night with Chad Whipple

in hell right now, gentlemen, believe me. And we can stay here and get the
shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back
into the light. We can climb out of hell,
one inch at a time. Good morning, players, and
welcome to another edition of “Bad Sports.” I’m your
host, Chad Whipple. Now for those of you who were
living under a rock in ’99, that speech there was from one
of my all-time favorite sports movies, “Any Given Sunday,”
directed by Oliver Stone. So today, let’s talk to my
starting lineup to find out which sports flicks these
foremost experts would pick as their number one. Sports. Gil, you seem like the type of
chap who, underrated, just watches a hell of a lot
of flicks, alone. GIL DURKIN: You got
that right, Chad. Larry, the Bird. CHAD WHIPPLE: What? Oh, is that Carl’s thing? GIL DURKIN: Larry, the Bird. Yeah. Carl’s sports play. CHAD WHIPPLE: No, you can’t
pick an unproduced play. GIL DURKIN: Well, I’m actually
in talks with Carl about possibly starring in the film. BROOKS LAVENDER: Congrats. GIL DURKIN: Thank you. CHAD WHIPPLE: Guys, let’s stay
the fuck on track, please, for my sports show right now
that we’re talking about, sports movies. What sports movies do you
have that are real? GIL DURKIN: OK, sports movies. I went with “The Mighty
Ducks.” It’s a classic, and I love it. It’s about a coach from Bombay,
India, played by Emilio Sheen, and he knows
nothing of hockey, but he loves to drink. And he actually gets a DUI,
which is a bummer, but he turns it around and then he
yells at this guy Ducksworth. He’s like, “fuck you,
Ducksworth.” And then he auditions for a hockey team
and he gets a duck. I think it’s in black-and-white. CHAD WHIPPLE: I’m pretty
sure you haven’t seen the film, Gil. GIL DURKIN: I watched “Ladybugs”
last night. “Ladybugs”? Soccer flick. BROOKS LAVENDER: That’s the
kid that killed himself. GIL DURKIN: I couldn’t
find a poster. CHAD WHIPPLE: Casey, what
do women want in the world of cinema? CASEY SHAUGNESSY: Well, I’m
not a huge movie guy. But if I had to choose, I
thought I would go with– BROOKS LAVENDER: Where’s
your poster? CASEY SHAUGNESSY: Oh, I had a
poster, but it slipped down under my car seat. And when I went to get
it, something bit me. So now I’ve got this. “Varsity Blues.” CHAD WHIPPLE: No, other side. CASEY SHAUGNESSY: After this
film came out, I get did that whipped cream thing for a couple
of Gilman boys down in the Bahamas. Worked out well. CHAD WHIPPLE: Yeah, sounds
pretty rock. CASEY SHAUGNESSY: I got
a yeast infection. GIL DURKIN: A full-blown
yeast infection? CASEY SHAUGNESSY: I have it as a
virus, so it can come and go for the rest of my life. CHAD WHIPPLE: That sounds
sports-able. Brooks, I know for a fact that
your basement was just legendary picture watching, late
night, whippets, center. And of course, the closet of
killed empties was just beyond legendary status. BROOKS LAVENDER: I actually just
went down there with a shitload of trash bags
and cleared it out. I made $285 at Safeway
on deposits. GIL DURKIN: Nice. What kind of price they
give you per can now? BROOKS LAVENDER: $0.10. GIL DURKIN: $0.10 per can? That’s a good price, Chad. CHAD WHIPPLE: That is, yeah. Where is that? That was at Safeway, you said? BROOKS LAVENDER: Yeah,
Great Falls. CASEY SHAUGNESSY: Do they
take tuna cans? BROOKS LAVENDER: I guess. CASEY SHAUGNESSY: Same
amount you got? GIL DURKIN: I love tuna. CASEY SHAUGNESSY: You do? OK. CHAD WHIPPLE: So Brooks, what
are your film picture choices? BROOKS LAVENDER: All right. When I was growing up, me and my
dad used to watch “Chariots of Fire” and “Hoosiers”
together, right, every first and third Sundays
of the month. We called it the Lavender
Theater. Sounds dope, right? CHAD WHIPPLE: Parents
got a divorce. BROOKS LAVENDER: Now to me,
I found these films to be inspiring tales of athletic
greatness, as well as testaments to the human will. We used to go out back around
twilight and grill out and play butts up together, and
just let the burgers cook. It was one of the happiest
times in my life. CHAD WHIPPLE: Wow. Yes. Just rich material, man. That’s what sports
is all about. OK, great. So between those two films,
what comes out as our number one? BROOKS LAVENDER: “Good
Will Hunting.” CHAD WHIPPLE: What? What? No. How? BROOKS LAVENDER: Because my dad
made me split that deposit money with him. And fuck him, that’s why. Fuck the Lavender Theater. CHAD WHIPPLE: Well, you
heard it here first. Sports flicks. You can’t watch ’em, you can’t
get amp’ed up on Rockstar and not watch them. I’m Chad Whipple. And remember, there’s
no such thing as bad sports, just bad attitudes. But, that ain’t all that bad. Or as they say in film parlance,
that’s a wrap! I remember, I always tried and
pulled a triple deak, but I could never get it. So I just– for that movie, I spent like
two years on inline skates. GIL DURKIN: I don’t know
what that means.


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *