Nerd³ Plays… Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 Hello, Procrastinators! And welcome to Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3! Did you know, on Metacritic, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 is the second highest rated game of all time across all platforms? And if you remove all the duplicates, such as the three GTA V’s that are up there, this game, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 is the tenth best game of all time, ever. This is a franchise that isn’t just popular with the people, it’s popular with the critics. It is an exceptional franchise, and I decided this weekend, of all times, to go back and have a look why that is. And why the new game is as big an abortion as it actually is. Can we still say “abortion”? Can we still say “abortion”? We can — My lawyer says no. America must’ve finally got around to banning that word. Right, let’s do Career Mode! Er, choose skater. Who do we want to play as? Tony Hawk? Er, Custom Skater? Do we want to make a custom skater? How about the Neversoft Eyeball? Er, the Demoness? With her spiky, spiky board and the ability to set the guy in the background on fire? And make him scream a little? Er, who else do we have? Kelly Slater? That’s a … surfboarder by the look of it. OLLIE: I’ll open up a can on ya, punk! DAN: Ollie the Magic Bum? Er, who else do we have? Private Carrera? Mmm-hmm. We have Officer Dick? Man, games back in 2001. Er, Wolverine? Or Darth Maul? [MOMENT OF CONTEMPLATION] Let’s go for Darth Maul. Right let’s start with the Foundry. Get a high score, get a pro score, secret tape, do the thing, do the thing, do the thing. I remember it all! And I’ve got a double-sided lightsaber. Aw, hell yeah! Oh, and I’ve broken my spine. I only just got that repaired! Spine Transfers, not in the game. Different types of grinds while grinding, not in the game. Er, do we have the Sticker Slap / Wall-whatever-it-was? No, I don’t think we do. I — Whenever you start up an old Tony Hawk’s game, you’ve got to go through it and mentally check off what moves you don’t have anymore. ‘Cos that’s what the great thing about Tony Hawk’s was, was that every sequel added an actually useful mechanic. Every Neversoft sequel, that is. One of Five Valves Unjammed? Let’s unjam all these valves! Then maybe they’ll release Half-Life 3. Oh fuck, I keep missing this — that valve. And it’s the third one! It’s a sign!!! Why the fuck did I just start singing Avenue Q? Why the fuck not! Oh, and it was the fourth one. Hah-hah! Never mind. I’ve opened a thing up! Right, let’s climb this shaft like we were … Tinkerbell in a porno! Five, four, three, two, one! Grind it down, grind it down! Yeahhh! This is actually a deleted scene from Star Wars: Episode 1. Er, instead of getting sliced in half when he fell down the thing, he was actually just going to grind down it. Which was gonna be so badass. Actually, in the bottom there, it says it was going to be Feeble. Oh well. New level unlocked! Canada! The most excited anyone’s ever been for Canada. I Kissed the Rail, and I liked it!
The taste of … What the fuck is that? Oh yeah, so we’ve got SKA, that’s fantastic! And now I have SKAT. That’s less fantastic. Ooh, the Force Grab! Quite the manoeuvre, that. I used to have that on my, er, custom character. I actually played this originally on the PC, and ‘cos I didn’t have a good enough PC, I actually ran it with essentially no textures. So I don’t recognise a lot of these levels ‘cos when I saw them, they were basically just brown blobs. And it was still an exceptional game! [SOME SILENCE] I — I think I killed that guy. Secret Tape! Now I need tog rind the molten bucket. So … Bucket! Oh, I went the wrong way. And I shouted Mucket. Whatever that means. Oh, I’m back to scat again. Bucket, bucket, bucket, bucket! Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it! How many times am I going to miss that thing? Awwwwww, some of my face paint came off! Back, back, back, back, back, and then here! And then jump, and then grind! Ground the bucket! Hang on a second. How is this melting? It was carrying that shit before. [SLURPING SOUNDS] Inaccuracies in a video game. Starring Darth Maul. Five out of five Force Points! That’s this level pretty much done now. Um, apart from getting that deck over there. How do I want to go over there and get that? This way, up there, round there. Yeah, I know. I know what I’m doing now. I know what I’m doing now. I’m doing the Force thing! Oh, I missed it. That’s a Melon. Don’t you hate it when you try and use the Force and instead you use a melon? God. Told you I could do it! New deck. Aw, yeah! Hope it’s a Blue Eyes, White Dragon one. Right, screw this, I’m done! Let’s go to Canada! Whoo! Oh, shit. I’m banned there! O, Canada! You are Fucking Cold! Right, let’s get SKATE, ‘cos it’s right here! That’s an S. There’s a — [SOUNDS OF TAKING A PIGEON TO THE FACE] — pigeon in the face! Oh, got a Point, got SKATE! Nailed it! Okay. Two out of Five Skaters Impressed, as well! There’s only five skaters left in the world? Oh my God. Can I — Can I donate money to them or something? Crooked Extenison there. Er, it’s actually — a lot of, um, skateboarding terms are named after failed DIY. There’s, like, the Crooked Extension, there’s the, er, the Door Doesn’t Close Anymore, and there’s the Hammer Time. Oh, they stopped that one. We’re going to America! Oh no, we’re in Canada! New level unlocked! Rio! Or, R-10. Could be inside a robot, you never know. SKATER: Not impressed! DAN: You’re not impressed? Alright, how about a fucking Force-Slidey-Jubbawap? Yeah, your damn right you’re impressed now, after a Force-Slidey-Jubbawap. Ignore that. Nothing happened there. Alright, where’s that guy who said I was shit? I’m gonna fuck him up! Dude, look at that! He’s freehanding it! That takes some skills. That takes some exceptional skills. If I was doing that, it would be like a dog with a hosepipe in it’s mouth. Game is currently playing Ace of Spades, because this is the best fucking game in the world. Four out of Five Skaters Impressed! Where’s the last bastard? There he is! Two! One! Manual, manual, manual, manual, manual, manual. Oh, Lippin’ Trickin’! I’m showing you more! I’m showing you this! Awwww — Oh. Why are you making me go down this bloody ramp? I get to choose what I want to do! Ooh, fuck. I’m in a tree! Oh — Yeah, I meant to do that! Oh, shit. Was that guy taking a piss? SORRY!! Ah well. And in revenge, that guy went on to make Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5. True story. That’s an origin story right there. [SERIES OF NOISES AS DAN TRIES TO REMEMBER THE LYRICS OF THE RAMONES’ ‘BLITZKRIEG BOP’] Everybody knows these lyrics. This bottom stump represents your potential. And this represents what you’ve done with it. If that hit you too close to home, feel free to just call, I don’t know, anyone. Secret Tape! And a broken spine! All the things you want from life. Ah, Rio, where everyone knows your name. Because your name is Ferdinand. Okay, this is one of those “One Minute, get-as-many-points-as-you-can” sorts of things. Oh, I’ve missed that. I’m going back for it ‘cos that gives me extra, extra thingies. Did everybody just applaud that? Everybody was like, “Yes, that was a beautiful jump there.” Okay, good thing, good spin, good grind. Good keeping the grind going. No I didn’t. I screwed it up. THERE’S NOTHING THERE! And I broke my ankles. Quarter Back Extension. That’s when you get an American Football player and just stretch them a bit. 90.6 for my first run! Not great, but winning, so … Great! Let’s go get all those Point things this round. I’m taking — I’m taking a round off to and grab all of the Pkkoint things, ‘cos I need to get all my, er, stats up. Oh, there’s one up there. Jesus, how am I supposed to get that one? Whoaa! Straight through the terrain! Did they just give me applause for just breaking my spine? Did they think it was a backflip? I’ll take that. Well, now I’m in last place, but they only take the best two rounds, so I should be okay, if I really nail this round. I’m going to die. Pizza Guy. Two Specials in one! Grinding. Grinding. Manualing. WHOAA, shit. This has gone wrong! I should just land that. ARRRGGGHHH! Arse, tits, arse and fannies! The English term ‘fanny’, not the, er, American one. Alright, now I’m just going around this. It’s like a lap of honour kind of thing. To celebrate my impending victory. Oh, fuck! OH, FUCK! Don’t fuck it up. Don’t fuck it up! Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, grind! Never stop the grind! You stopped the grind! Keep going, keep going, keep going. Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going! Where’s the grind? There’s the grind. Points. As many points as possible. Now manual. Grind! Okay, I can’t land really land a manual again. Boop! YEAHHH! I’ll take that as a grand finale. Ninety-nine, a-point a-nine! Woowoowoowoowoowoowoo! Puts me in first place, doesn’t it? Oh, it does! Look at me! Darth Maul, just being all like, yeah. This feels canon. Let’s make this canon. This is canon now. New level unlocked! Suburbia! Where the Desperate Housewives live. New level unlocked! The Airport. Where the Desperate Housewives fled to when they found out Darth Maul was coming. I wish Jesus was a playable character, because then you could literally be Jesus of Suburbia. HILBILLY: It’s my second quart of lighter fluid. DAN: Oh my God. Who the fuck measures in quarts still? Apart from people who make watches. Some very sparky noises happening here. Do we grind these? Oh I think we do! I think we don’t! Nice. Nice. Did those two, and then around. And then over! Oh, Restore Power to the Dish complete! Why — Ow, ow, ow. Why are they leeching the power from their next door neighbour? I don’t even know. Off that car. There’s a plane! That’s my plane! Catch it, catch it, catch it — awwwww. You suck more than Tony Hawk’s attempts to smile on the covers of these fucking games! [MORE NOISES TO SHOW TONY HAWK BEING INCAPABLE OF SMILING] You’ve Found an Axe! Oh my God, am I playing a fucking adventure game? Oh, hang on! That guy had wood! I mean — well, you know what I mean. He had the — the wood in front of him! Get it to him! Get it to him! YES! THIN MAN: Yes, little pigs, I’ll blow your house down! DAN: Yes, you’ll blow the house down. Ooh. WOW! That was a good axe. Ooooooookayyyyy. Even Darth Maul’s like: What the fuck. Okay, gently. Gently, gently, wallride, jumpy, jumpy. KILL TH — I jumped over the fucking thing! I did a Wallie. Awwwwww. Grindy. Spinny. Oh, shitty. Grindy. Oh, fucky. Grindy. Fuck it. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK, FUCK!! Oh, nice. OH MY GOD! I think my lower intestines have actually exploded! I found the Secret Tape! LUNGE! Most satisfying sound in the world! I was always doing that. Who-hoaa! Hello! Somebody say “abortions” again? Oh. WARRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!! I don’t know what happened, but I got the Secret Tape! Wheyyyyy!! Also, now I think I’m in fact haunted. Let’s do it again. Oh my God. There is one hell of a rave going on in the afterlife. Off to The Airport with us! To, probably, queue up for ages and then have somebody wearing a glove stick their hand up our bum. That’s the airport experience. Right, soon as we start, remember this? Go through here – lots of flashes here. If you don’t like flashes look away for the next two seconds – [ANTICIPATION AND SOUNDS OF BEING BLINDED] I always hated that bit. Nyaomm! That’s me, going so fast! Yeah. I made a chopper take off. Goodbye, chopper! Awww, I can’t grind you all the way home. Let’s go down here. How are you supposed to get that thing? Why does that sound so loud? What is happening? Ooh. Noice. Flying High in the Sky. Oop. Shit! Planking All the Way to the Ground. Woo-Hoo!! Do that in these days, you’d be shot, but in 2001, that was a-okay. Ahhh, Economy Class Grinding. Or as it’s more commonly known, Having to Sit Next To a Fat Person. And death to pickpockets! Where’s the other one? Death to pickpockets! I am a pickpocket murdering machi — that lady made me vomit blood onto the walls. Modern feminism. [BEEPING] I’ve won a prize! That pickpocket’s started to twitch, guys. Somebody may want to — somebody way want to check up on him. Yahhh! Death to France! And death to Australia! And then I’ll just magically go backwards for a second, because the gravity flipped, as, er, I mentioned the word “Australia”. That’s how it works! Uh, this is what mobile phones used to look like, ah, back in the day. They were great, they were. Ah, we had apps out of the arse. Well, Snake. They’re running away with the wallets. That doesn’t — That doesn’t feel like I’ve stopped them. Skater Island! King of the Coast Jam. Mmmm, Coast Jam. Imagine instead of sea, we had jam. Like, you’re just sitting there at the seaside and just be like – [SLURPING] – jam. Probably we wouldn’t have invented sand then, ‘cos it would have made the jam all gritty. Right, another competition! Er, and as it’s a competition, I need to get into a bowl faster than Rob van Dam. There we go! Let’s get my score on! Shit! Oh, we’ve six seconds left. Come on! Need. To. Do stuff. Do stuff! Do st — that’s stuff! Alright. Keep this going, and get a majillion points. One majillion or bust! Oh, bust. Okay, ten seconds left, and I’ve managed to get a score of less than ten thousand. Let’s start to impress them, motherfuckers! here we go. Top score with no time left! Just got to keep this one combo going. It’s going to be there, it’s — oh, I didn’t — I didn’t manual very well then. So I didn’t get a very high score at all. And because of that, I didn’t come first. Oh, I did! [BLOWN RASPBERRY] Sucks to be you, Steve Caba – [ATTEMPT TO PRONOUNCE STEVE CABALLERO’S NAME] – llero. Los An — Geles. Los An-Geles. Oh, it’s a small town, who cares if I don’t know how to pronounce it. MAN: Yo, let’s see you bust something out! [INCOMING JOKE] DAN: “Let’s see you bust something out!” “One Ball Free.” Everything is awesome! [CRASH] Everything is PAIN!! Whey!! Nice. Whoops. I think I accidentally killed some folk. [EARTHQUAKE RUMBLES] Oh, dear. Either that, or Godzilla’s just turned up. TRAPPED MAN: I dont’t want to die! DAN: Um, I’ll help you!How do I help you? I can grind it. I’m good at grinding! Did it work? [CASUAL DEATH OF SOME LOS ANGELES FOLK] And I killed a man. MAN: Let’s see you tear it up! DAN: I just caused an earthquake, you dumb fuck! Holy shit, now I’m actually just choking this guy. That’s — that’s amazing. [DAN SAVES THE DAY] Yayyyyyy! And he was crushed to death. And we’ve unlocked Tokyo! Maybe it was Godzilla. Right, the first run of the final tournament. Okay, let’s just try and get as many grinds as possible, please! Many — many grinds. Many grinds. Many grinds! Okay, I’ll just land that. A hundred and sixty-seven! Bow before the Cube. Two. Get it! Yes, alright! Let’s start from up here, and work on the best combo in the world! Ever! [IMPENDING LIES] Oh, I fucked it up. Alright, so it’s only a few thousand points, for two hundred and forty, which puts me in – ooh, look many more judges there are this time. They’re discussing. Ninety-fives! Good strong position to be in, that is. Ninety-six overall. [INTAKE OF BREATH] Same as Jaime Thomas. Jaime Thomas, I will have my revenge! And Tony Hawk’s sitting at the bottom. Manual, manual, manual, manual, manual, wheyyy!! Did I throw a kick flip in there? I did! What a cheeky bastard I really am. Okay, let’s just keep grinding, just keep grinding, just keep gri — fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK, FUCK!! Oh, piss, I cocked up the last on as well. Good. I’ve found a score of eight thousand, nine hundred and eighty-four. You never know, Tony Hawk might actually beat me on that one. Why did one judge — like, zero, zero, zero. Fifteen, IGN. IGN are fucking voting in this shit. Final run, Must, Make this. Must. Do well. Or else — awww, fuck. Oh, what the hell? NOOOOO! Oh, a hundred thousand points I’ve just pissed away. Okay, I managed to get seventy-one thousand points there, with nine seconds left. Back into the bowl, back into the bowl, back — Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! TWO! And we can do another one. It’s not going to be a huge amount of points, so I really need to get, like, The best score the world has ever se — Oh, I’ve gone the wrong way. And I’ve fucked it. [END CARD]