JESSIE: Bertram? Working. Bertram working? I must be dreaming.
Somebody pinch me. I’m on it. Hands off it! Hey, I just saw
the strangest thing. Bertram doing his job. Dad must be home! Dad! Hey, bud! And Jessie! Great,
you’re all here. Oh, boy, guys.
I missed you all so much. I thought my heart
was gonna… Was gonna… (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (ALL SCREAMING) (HEART BEATING) (LAUGHING) Burst. Great one, Dad. Mr. Daddy has a million
of these shenanigans. Word to the wise.
If he asks you to pull
his finger, say no. I actually do have
something to tell you guys. You’ve seen
Vampires in the Mist,
right?Only a gajillion times.
Jordan Taylor is
my screen saver, my wallpaper, and
my password! Forget what I said
about my password. Well, try
to stay calm. He might be
in my next movie. (ALL GASP) O-M-G!
Jordan Taylor! I gotta go text! Emma, that door
is closed. That calmed her
right down. I’ll take care
of this, sir. And I’ll bring back
an ice pack. Jordan Taylor, huh? Maybe Emma
could meet him.
I would go with her, of course, just to make sure
she doesn’t go all crazy. Well, we’re all
going to meet him. He’s gonna be staying
here for the weekend. (ALL GASP) Here? With us? Room… Getting…
Darker… This is why I’m not
to puberty.♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie♪ It feels like a party
every day♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie♪ But they keep on pulling
me every which way♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie♪ My whole world is changing
Turning around♪ They got me going crazy
Yeah, they’re shaking
the ground♪ But they took a chance
on the new girl in town♪ And I don’t want to let them
down, down, down♪ Hey Jessie♪ Hey Jessie♪ It feels like a party
every day♪ Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, Jessie ♪Okay, listen, guys,
this is really important.
Okay? If Jordan decides
to be in my next movie, this could be my first
real shot at an Oscar. And high time too, sir.
You should have won
for Monkey Maniac 2.Wow, that man could suck
up Lake Michigan. Jordan has insisted
on staying with us
for the weekend because he wants
to get to know me. He wants to make
sure he can trust me. I am all about
trust, too. Jordan and I have
so much in common. (SIGHS) But it has to be
a complete secret
that he’s here, okay? Jordan is obsessed
with his privacy. He likes privacy?
I like privacy! It’s like we’re
the same person! Now, while he’s here,
I need everyone
to act natural. And to make sure that
happens, here are some
notes on how to act. I’m supposed to
get along with Emma? I’m not that good
an actor. (INTERCOM BUZZING) TONY: Hey, Rosses.There’s someone
here to see you.Says his name’s
Rufus T. Firefly.Rufus is Jordan Taylor’s
code name. BOTH: I’ll go
bring him up! (BOTH GRUNTING) Whoa! (EMMA SNICKERING) I’ll take the service stairs! (BOTH EXCLAIM) They’re acting like
Rascal Flatts is
down there. So I’m into country.
Sue me. I cannot wait to tell
people that we’re hanging out
with Jordan Taylor! But Mr. Daddy said
we are not supposed
to tell anyone. Oh, please.
I have to do something
to impress people. Second grade
is cutthroat. There’s a girl
who can pick her nose
with her tongue! Ugh. But we can’t just say
we hang with Jordan. We need proof. Maybe something cool
might fall out of his
suitcase. And right into
little fingers. I just polished
my Audience Choice
Award. Stand around the award! (ELEVATOR CHIMES) Look natural! Jordan! Welcome! Morgan! Girls, please, give
him some space. Hmm, he is not as handsome
as I thought he would be. He resembles a
goat Mr. Kipling
once devoured. I’m sorry for
this silly disguise.
(CHUCKLING) (SIGHS) Fame can… be a cage. BOTH: Aw! Still not understanding
all the hoopla. Ahem. Hi, Jordan. I’m
12-year-old Luke, a loveable scamp
who enjoys stamp
collecting, homework, and behaving myself? I’ll go get
your suitcase. Thanks, but
it’s heavy. We’ll lighten it
up for you. I mean, we’ll take
it to your room. I think I played
that off okay. I’ll take a nice, big
slice of Jordan. Me, too.
Dibs on the dimple! Guys, all this
fuss over me? Look, I’m no different
than any other sensitive 19-year-old
who makes 20 million
dollars a film and kicks it
with Coldplay. You know who else
is sensitive? And trustworthy?
And a great director?
Bertram, stop. (MOUTHING) And he also has
great taste in nannies. (CHUCKLING) (STAMMERS) Oh! It’s like
half a grapefruit. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Jordan, I am so sorry,
but I really have to
take this. JORDAN: (ON TABLET)
Hey, punk! Look out!
Stop!Oh, hey, are you
watching my movie
Tilt-a-Whirl of Terror?Yes. I have been told
you are an actor
of subtle intensity. And yet, all you do
in this film is shout, “Hey, punk! Look out!”
And “Stop!” Yeah, you see,
I tried to give “stop”
a lot of layers. Like commanding. “Stop!”
And compassionate. “Stop!” (GASPS) And desperate,
yet cynical. “Stop!” Oh! See? Ah… Oh! Look, your face
is on that cake. Jordan, I really
hate to leave, but the money guys
just called an
emergency meeting downtown
about the movie. Better you than me.
I’m not in it for
the money. I want to be an artist. You know what, my friend?
The artists want to be you! Listen, I’ll be right back.
Make sure they behave, okay? My entire career
is riding on this. So is yours. Hmm. No pressure. I’m on it. Jordan, you have
a little bit of your
nose on your cheek. (GIGGLING) Emma. I’m sorry, she’s just really
excited to see you. All right, Jessie,
quit trying to steal
Jordan from me! You’re ruining
my chance at happiness! You’re 13!
should come from cherry-flavored lip
gloss and unicorn stickers. I love Jordan more
than you do! Have you been in my room?
I don’t see any Jordan poster pull-out
pages on your walls. That’s because I keep
my Jordan shrine
in the closet. Like a mature person. See? He might fall in love
with me if you’d
just back off! Emma, I could back
all the way to New Jersey. That will not change the fact
that you’re too young for him! You wanna fight me
for him, granny? Let’s go! May the best woman win. Suits me.
‘Cause I’m the only
woman in the room. Hey! Hey! Now you’re the only
woman in the closet! Emma, I’m gonna count
to three and you better
let me out! One! Two! Three! Four! Five! I have a horrible
feeling she left. There’s nothing cool here.
It’s just clothes. And Jordan’s
bath ducky. (QUACKS) That’s not gonna give me
any playground cred. (DUCK QUACKS) Whoa! Hold the phone. His phone! Boo-yah! Check out his
contact list. It’s everyone from
Amy Adams to Rachel Zoe. We should probably
put that back. Right after we call
every person on there. Yeah! Yeah! Ooh! A-Rod. Hi, this is Ima. Ima Fraid You Can’t
Hit Worth Beans! Prince William!
I’m calling him. Ugh, voice mail. Hello, Your Highness,
this is Jordan Taylor’s
assistant. He wishes me to inform you
that you’re a doody-head! (BOTH LAUGHING) JESSIE: Ninety-nine, 100.
Now I’m mad! Huh. I should have done
that a hundred ago. (GRUNTS) Well played, Emma. (WHISTLES)
Yo! Window washer! I’d like a ride! And I’d like a job near
a bathroom. So I guess
we’re both out of luck. I’ll give you 10 bucks. Hop on. Whoa! That’s a
long way down. (SQUEAKING) (SCREAMS) A rat! What are you doing? Come on! (SQUEALING) (SCREAMS)
Catch me! (INDISTINCT) BOTH: Whoa! (SOBS) (JESSIE EXCLAIMING) What are you doing? Quick question. Where do you go
to the bathroom
up here? You’re tearing me apart! Pretty good, huh? Well, you are
no Shah Rukh Khan. He is an Indian actor. Underline “actor.” (ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL
MUSIC PLAYING) Hello, Jordan. Sorry, what? I said… (TURNS OFF MUSIC) (WITH DRAMATIC ACCENT)
Hello, Jordan. Whoa! (SCREAMS) (STRAINING) (PANTING) Thanks for
the help. Locked. Of course. (SQUEAKING) You again.
Although I like you
better than him. Yes. Hey… (CHUCKLING)
Just… Emma. Jordan. You are the girl
of my dreams. I know. Please, say you’ll
be mine or I don’t
know what I’ll do. Please, please, please,
please, please… Please, get away
from me, little girl! You don’t understand.
We’re soul mates. I took a quiz
in Leopard Beat
that proves it!You’re 13! I’m 19! But I’m tall for my age! Whoa! Are you okay? (GRUNTING) I will be, as soon as
I’m away from you! So you’ll text me? He’s never going
to text me. Oh… Sweetie,
are you okay? I guess so. Good. (SHOUTING)
Are you crazy? What kind of a person
locks another person in a closet
and makes them
climb out of a window where they have to
do the splits 30 floors up? And I’m not even gonna
bring up the rat! Sorry. Inadequate apology accepted. And now that I’ve
gotten that out
of the way, come here. Don’t be sad. You’re an
incredible person, and before you know it, you’re gonna be
breaking hearts the way
Luke breaks wind. Constantly
and everywhere. I guess we’ve both
been pretty silly
today, huh? Like Jordan would
look at either one of us. True. I mean, I’m just
a kid, and you’re just… You. Hey, Jordan.
We found your cell phone. Thanks, I was
looking for that.
Where’d you find it? In the bathroom. In the couch. In the couch
in the bathroom. Huh. I didn’t notice
a couch in the bathroom. Well, start
paying attention! Jordan, I’m sorry if
Emma was bothering you. Oh, no problem.
But I wouldn’t mind
if you bothered me. Would you like to go
out to dinner tonight? (SQUEALING) Me? (STAMMERING) How about you just
hold that thought
for a second. Ooh! Hey, Emma! Hey. Remember that time
we were saying Jordan
would never want to go out with us?
Well, he just asked me
out to dinner. You cool with that?
Thanks. What? I’m sorry! He asked me. Okay, look.
If it really bothers you,
I won’t go out with him. It really bothers me. Too bad! It’s Jordan Taylor!
What would you do
if you were me? Well, I guess…
I’d go out with him. Thanks. You know,
nice of you. Hey, Leopard Beat
Tattle Tiger,guess where Jordan Taylor
is right this minute. Have fun on
your date, Jessie. Whoa! You look beautiful.
You going to a funeral
or something? No. I had an emergency
salon session. I have a date with
Rufus T. Firefly. That bum? I’ve stepped
in things that look
better than him. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You can’t come in here! What’s wrong, Jessie?
Is the lobby a little
crowded with Jordan Taylor fans? You told people
Jordan is here? You risked destroying
your dad’s movie
just to ruin my date? Well, gee, when you
put it that way
it sounds awful. (INTERCOM BUZZING) TONY: Building-wide alert!The paparazzi are coming!
The paparazzi are coming!Tell my ma I love…
(GROANING)(GIRLS SHRIEKING) You’re not leaving.
You’re going down with
the rest of the family. We’re here to help.
If they want a piece
of Jordan Taylor, they can have
his boring clothes! Don’t throw his
tighty-whities till you see
the whites of their eyes! Jordan’s not here,
but you can have
his clothes! And his ducky! It’s working!
The beast is feeding! Isn’t this nicer
than a restaurant? It’s so peaceful
and private. (HELICOPTER APPROACHING) What’s that? I don’t hear
anything! It’s the paparazzi!
Coming for me! Not necessarily. There’s a girl
downstairs who looks
just like Justin Bieber. They’re probably trying
to get a picture of her. Okay, so it is you. (ALL SCREAMING) Ow! Sorry, Dad.
She thought you were
a crazed fan. No, I didn’t.
I just like
throwing stuff. What is going on? First, I have to fight
my way through
photographers, now these crazed fans.
They stole my watch! And my left sock! Someone in your family
ratted me out to the press. You all betrayed me! Jordan, I’m sorry,
but let’s not
overreact here. Yeah! It’s not
that bad. Jordan! Jordan! (ALL CLAMORING) So this bothers you? I knew I shouldn’t
have trusted you. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Prince William! What? No!
Why would I call you
a doody-head? That was weird. Jordan, I’m sorry… No, Morgan. Okay, I’m
out of here. I’m gonna go pack my stuff. (KNOCKING ON WINDOW) That’s not gonna
take long. All right, who told
the world that Jordan
was here? I did it. I was so excited
about having a date
with Jordan I couldn’t resist texting
Darla back home. She must have put it
on the Internet, which apparently spreads
private information. Jessie, I told
everybody to keep
it a secret! I know.
And I’m really,
really sorry. No, I’m sorry.
I tipped off Leopard Beat
to ruin Jessie’s datewith Jordan. Jessie was lying
to protect me. Actually, I wasn’t lying.
I really did tell Darla.
Blabbermouth. And I may have
posted something about hanging out
with my “best bud” Jordan. And I told Millie the Mermaid,
and she can’t keep
her mouth shut. I may have told
a few people
in Central Park. And the entire Indian
subcontinent. Well, I am a little
all of you. But not that
disappointed, because I told
all the guys at
my gym, so… (MOANING) It’s so beautiful how
you all came clean
to protect each other. You know, I really
can’t blame you. I’d tell if I was
staying with me, too! Wait, so, does this
mean you’re gonna be
in Morgan’s movie? Absolutely. (ALL EXCLAIMING) I’m just loving
all this love. Congratulations, sir. Celebratory hot
chocolate all around. Bertram, you work too hard.
Take the week off. If you insist, sir. Yes! (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Hello,
Mr. President. No, I did not call you
a poopy-pants. That crazy mob
tore off my epaulets! You know what?
Your hair still
looks great. And I’m going to make
sure to mention you when
I win my Oscar. Thanks, Mr. Ross. My pleasure, Timmy. I made the kids some
we’re not famous” cookies. (GASPS) Oh, my goodness!
I cannot believe I did that!
I feel terrible! Hey! I’m sorry!
Have some cookies!